Is Self-Harm About Seeking Attention?

TW: Self-harm
Hypnotized I stared at the flame of the burning candle before me.
Part of me knew that what I was about to do was wrong, but a bigger part of me just wanted to feel something.
Note: I almost triggered myself by writing this story. If you are fighting against self-harm, this may not be the best story for you to read. Self-harm is an unhealthy habit that can have fatal consequences. Please seek appropriate help if needed.
The subject of self-harm can be controversial and emotional. While I wonāt pretend I have all the answers on the subject, I can share my experience and tell you what was behind it.

A Catalyst
In my experience, a catalyst always preceded self-harm. Some big event in my life caused everything to change, and self-harm was the way I tried to center myself afterwards.
The time when things were at their absolute worst was not long after I lost my soulmate. She was the one person I thought would always be there. In an instant, someone not paying attention to the road took her away.
For weeks after she died, I went on with my life. On the outside, I looked like little had changed. I wore my smile; I went to work; I saw friends and family, but slowly inside, everything was dying.
Like a callus that develops on hands after doing repetitive hard work, my heart became more and more numb to the world around me.
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Looking Back
I can’t say for sure what brought me back to self-harm. It was a habit when I was a teenager and again in my early twenties, but I always found a way to stop. I knew it was an unhealthy behavior.
Then one night, after feeling alone and empty for too long, when not even the images on the television or the sounds of music coming from the stereo could distract me anymore, I sat alone at my desk. The room was dark except for the light coming from a single candle in front of me.
It didnāt seem fair that the candle should burn there carefree and oblivious to the world around it. It haunted me as it danced in the darkness and scattered broken images on the surrounding walls.

Taking Action
Reaching out, I grabbed a paperclip and straightened it out. I held one end of it into the flame and watched as it slowly turned black and then started to glow. I didnāt intend to hurt myself or to allow the hot end to touch my skin.
As I sat there, my fingers growing warmer holding the other end of the paperclip, I felt compelled to take action. Carefully choosing a spot I knew no one would see, I held that paperclip against my arm and marveled as I felt something for the first time in days.
It wasnāt necessarily a good feeling, and it was by no means a high, but it was a feeling. The sensation burned completely through me.
I needed to feel something ā anything. That unreasonable and unrelenting pain was better than nothing. For the first time in weeks, my world was touching me.
You can get past your obstacles by turning them into stepping stones. Read How To Turn Your Obstacles Into Stepping Stones.
Self-harm in others
Iām no stranger to seeing self-harm. Back in high school, I had a friend who used to do self-harm with a pencil eraser. She would use it to rub her skin raw or until it bled.
A few years later, another friend carved a lightning bolt into her arm. The cuts werenāt deep, not much more than a serious scratch, but there it was. Self-harm was in front of me.
Both times, the people around me talked about how terrible it was what my friends had done. Unanimously, they agreed the habit was nothing more than an attempt to become the center of attention.
I knew the truth but wasnāt brave enough to tell my story. In fact, this is the first time Iāve ever opened up fully about what I felt and why I did it.

Fighting Addiction
At least a few of you reading this wonāt believe itās true. You know me and have no idea that I was ever addicted to self-harm.
I do think āaddictionā is the right word. Once you start down the self-harm road, itās very difficult to stop. It becomes an unquenchable thirst.
Still, if I was braver back then, maybe I could have helped my friends when they needed it most. I wasnāt there for them when they needed me, but I can be there now to help others.
Maybe my tale will let you know that yes, it is something that happens, and it is something you can stop.
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Hard to Stop
Putting an end to self-harm is difficult. To feel something after being numb for so can be intoxicating.
I didnāt settle for just burns, though. In time, I started to cut again and in a more destructive way than before.
One night, devastated by life, I carved an entire paragraph of text into my leg. Truth be told, it was the words of a scripture, but that doesnāt seem like a very Christian thing to share. Yet, itās true.
Each cut was craftily placed well above where my shorts line would be. I made sure no one would see it no matter what time of year it was.
The next day at work, I could barely stand to wear pants. The pain of the fabric brushing across those open wounds was almost too much. Yet that night, when I got home and was alone in the dark, I did it again. Feeling pain was better than feeling nothing.

Not Seeking Attention
I canāt say for everyone, but in my experience and that of the people closest to me, I know that self-harm has nothing to do with seeking attention.
For me, I worked strategically to make sure my marks were in places no one would ever see. Even now, years after Iāve stopped, the places Iām scarred are areas most people never see.
The people who have seen the scars donāt recognize what they are or theyāre afraid to ask. But the scars are there, and they remind me of what I once was and how much Iāve overcome.
With some authority, I can say that self-harm isnāt about seeking attention. If I had wanted people to notice, my cuts would have been out in the open where anyone could see them. I would have hurt my arms, my face, or my hands in a way that people had to notice.
Instead, I worked diligently to hide the marks, the cuts, and the burns. I never wanted anyone to know how sick I really was.

Breaking free
The addiction went on for months as I continued to burn and cut myself.
After a while, as my heart started to heal, I didnāt feel the need to do it every day. On the hard days, when life was too much or the numbness unbearable, I would find myself in the dark doing more self-harm.
I didnāt stay there, though, and in time I found my way to recovery. Journaling was the biggest help because it gave me a safe place to work out what was in my head and heart.
Finally opening up to a friend, who in time told me she had the same compulsion, gave me the validation and support I needed to move in the right direction.
Itās been more than 10 years since the last time I burned myself. Do I still feel the urge? A lot of days I do. There is something very centering about hurting yourself, but the shame and guilt that come with it are not worth it.Self-harm can also cause infections and the potentially fatal sepsis.
Instead, I have āhealthierā addictions, sugar and TV mostly. My trusty journal is my daily companion, and my friend is never more than a phone call away.
If youāre struggling with self-harm, please know that stopping the cycle is possible. It will take some time, and there will be setbacks, but with support and determination, you can succeed.
Until next time, keep fighting.
I have you in my prayers! Also, my sister has gone through something similar so I have written about it a bit. You can read it if you want if it helps you in any way. https://mybookofhonour.wordpress.com/2020/04/20/i-was-here-gayle-forman-reviews-views-on-mental-health/
Thank you so much. I hope your sister is doing well now. I’ll be sure to check out your post.
My God, this was a powerful post. I admire your courage and bravery to share something so personal. Your story is inspiring, and I’m proud of you for overcoming this, even if you still fight it off to this day. I love reading your posts, please keep up the great work.
It was a difficult post to write, but the response has been amazing, so in the end it’s all worth it. Thank you so much for your kind words.