The Monday I Almost Killed My Computer

How even tiny events can trigger feelings of bipolar anger.
Image created by author with Canva.

It started with the speakers, and it all went downhill from there.

Despite it being Monday morning, I was full of energy and optimism. It was going to be a great day.

I pulled up YouTube music on my office computer and chose Movin’ by David Archuleta as my first cheerful song of the day. I clicked the play button and waited for the familiar beats. And waited. And waited.

No music greeted me, nor the happy timbre of David’s voice. Looking at the bottom right corner of my screen, a red X covered my speaker icon, and Windows told me there was no audio device attached.

From there, my morning spiraled. Before another two hours passed, my boss and I had torn apart three computers and he made an emergency run to Walmart to get a part we hoped would help. Stress stomped all over my Monday tranquility and laughed as I glared at the electronic equipment littering my desk and office floor.

Life is like that sometimes. Insignificant events can snowball into what feels like traumatic catastrophes.

Speaking Bipolar Positivity Club

I’m not saying my computer traumatized me this morning, but the issues we discovered one after another flushed away any hopes we had for a peaceful start to the week.

If the computer wasn’t brand new, I would have taken my trusty hammer and smashed my Dell to bits.

For several minutes, I reveled in the thought of the exciting sounds of crunching plastic as stray pieces bounced to the cherry floor beneath my desk. It would’ve only taken a few swings to work out some of my frustration, but the loss of property—and my job—wasn’t worth it.

The song I was hoping would start my Monday.

Through reason and deep breathing, I stopped myself and my computer still lives.

That’s how it is with bipolar anger. There isn’t always a rationale, and the tiniest things can set it off.

But you can fight it. You can stay calm and work your way through most problems. For me, it helps that I’m properly medicated.

I’m happy to say my computer works again, as do the other two we dismantled. By lunchtime, I could finally hear the soothing tunes of David Archuleta, followed by serenades from Pink to calm my anxious mind.

Music helps keep me stable. It can shift my mood and alter my emotions. Not always, but often enough for me to trust it. I hope you have a tool that’s equally valuable for you to use.

Until next time, keep fighting.

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6 Comments

  1. This post is so relatable, I can’t describe in words. Anything can set off my anger, the smallest most insignificant thing. Although, for me happy music doesn’t do it when I’m in a “bad’ mood. Nope. I have to sit with it, I blast out some Linkin Park or Imagine Dragons or anything sad and dark or angry, and let the music just calm me down. It feels as if having a conversation with someone who understands completely and doesn’t judge- and who smoothly walks me through my moods. Glad you didn’t kill your computer after all, poor thing! 😁 And by the way, I love your blog. 🎶

    1. I love Imagine Dragons. There is something powerful about listening to intense music, but that’s not always an option at the office. Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience.

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